The Sad Process Of Forgetting

Today is the first day without her. June 7 was the 6-month anniversary of our relationship. We were not in love but I thought we shared a growing affection.The Rain God Small

On June 10, we played tennis and then we to see the new Tom Cruise movie. Very early in the morning on June 11, I received an email from her saying that she “needed” to talk to me about our relationship. We met at a cafĂ© and she told me that our relationship was over. She apologized for giving me mixed signals and said she did not want to get tied down. Then she was gone.

I seldom drink and I almost never drink when I am alone but my mind would not stop thinking of her last night. I had a very generous drink of whisky and was able to fall asleep. This morning I began the mechanical part of forgetting. I took down the notes she had left me on the fridge. I put her photographs in a drawer. I threw away the balloons she had given me for my birthday.

I failed miserably at the behavioral part of forgetting. When I went online, I expected to see a message from her in my email. For six months, a message from her bright spirit had greeted me in the morning. There will never be another message from her.

I looked out of my window and expected to see her car in the parking lot. Her car will never appear outside my window again.

When I went out to do errands, I thought I saw her everywhere. Every dark grey SUV looked like hers. I was certain every attractive woman was her. I will never see her again.

My sheets still have her scent. She will never lie in them again. Her body had a powerful need for intimacy but her bruised heart could not reach for intimacy again. Her heart will reach out one day but it will not be for me. I wish I could punish the bastard who broke her.

Lust and infatuation are easy. Liking is the hard part. I really like her and she said she really liked me. We spent more and more time together. Perhaps, her affection for me revived her old pain. I will never know. She is gone. Soon, memories of her will be gone and that is something I cannot truly welcome.

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