On June 10, we played tennis and then we to see the new Tom Cruise movie. Very early in the morning on June 11, I received an email from her saying that she “needed” to talk to me about our relationship. We met at a café and she told me that our relationship was over. She apologized for giving me mixed signals and said she did not want to get tied down. Then she was gone.
I seldom drink and I almost never drink when I am alone but my mind would not stop thinking of her last night. I had a very generous drink of whisky and was able to fall asleep. This morning I began the mechanical part of forgetting. I took down the notes she had left me on the fridge. I put her photographs in a drawer. I threw away the balloons she had given me for my birthday.
I failed miserably at the behavioral part of forgetting. When I went online, I expected to see a message from her in my email. For six months, a message from her bright spirit had greeted me in the morning. There will never be another message from her.
I looked out of my window and expected to see her car in the parking lot. Her car will never appear outside my window again.
When I went out to do errands, I thought I saw her everywhere. Every dark grey SUV looked like hers. I was certain every attractive woman was her. I will never see her again.
My sheets still have her scent. She will never lie in them again. Her body had a powerful need for intimacy but her bruised heart could not reach for intimacy again. Her heart will reach out one day but it will not be for me. I wish I could punish the bastard who broke her.
Lust and infatuation are easy. Liking is the hard part. I really like her and she said she really liked me. We spent more and more time together. Perhaps, her affection for me revived her old pain. I will never know. She is gone. Soon, memories of her will be gone and that is something I cannot truly welcome.