The National Security Agency has not only admitted to conducting illegal spying operations against Americans, the NSA has made it clear that, not only will it not stop these unconstitutional actions, but that there is nothing the government can do to halt them. It is virtually true that, administratively, that the Obama government, which does not require our renegade Attorney General enforce U.S. laws he does not care for, will not stop the NSA. It is also true that Congress, whose powerful committee chairmen get off on secrecy, will not legislatively stop the NSA as long as they retain their privileges to view the NSA’s toys behind closed doors.
The people, however, can make the NSA’s illegal spying pointless. Once this happens, and the James Bond thrill is gone for Congressional leaders, funding for these programs will be cut via an obscure amendment to the Farm Bill.
Happily, if the NSA really is not illegally spying on U.S. citizens, the methods I propose to make you an NSA Sapper will have no effect other than making you feel empowered.
GROUND RULES: It is crucial that these methods be used by individuals only and NEVER IN CONCERT AMONG INDIVIDUALS. All research, without exception, must be done using only printed books and notes must only be recorded on paper using a carpenter’s pencil. All subversion supplies must be purchased with cash. You must tell no one that you are an NSA Sapper. You must make no electronic reference to this blog post whatsoever. Instead, you should print this blog post and mail it to your friends.
RESEARCH REQUIREMENTS: You must compile an Assange List of bad guys. This is a list of physical addresses, email addresses, web site addresses, phone numbers and VOIP numbers of officials in hostile foreign governments, foreign embassies, cultural attaches, and military attaches.
You must compile an Assisi List of good guys. This is a list of physical addresses, email addresses, web site addresses, phone numbers and VOIP numbers of U.S. Senators, members of Congress, Congressional staff members, pastors, preachers, parsons, rabbis, priests, and bishops in the U.S.
You must compile a Schweitzer list of compassionate guys. This is a list of the physical addresses, email addresses, web site addresses, phone numbers and VOIP numbers of humanitarian groups, human rights groups, religious groups, environmental groups, non-profit groups, educational groups, peace groups and pet rescue groups.
You must compile a Hot Word List. This is a list of all of the words you think an electronic spy would search for when snooping to see if you are a threat to National Security. This list of Hot Words must be extensive. In addition to nuclear and fissile material, explosives, assassinations, attacks, and conventional weapons, don’t forget jet fuel and accelerants. You will use these Hot Words in your phone calls, emails, and letters to the Assisi List and the Assange List.
MESSAGE COMPOSITION: The NSA relies on crude KWIC and KWOK technology when it listens and post-CODASYL data networking when processing “meta data.” The NSA has absolutely no semiotic classification software so it does not matter if you use your Hot Words in a grammatically and syntactically correct manner. But it is much more effective as subversion if you do. The spying programs of the U S Postal Service are so primitive, they cannot even handle middle initials.
STARBUCKS METHOD: Forego Starbucks for two weeks. Use the money to buy several disposable prepaid cell phones. THESE PHONES MUST ONLY BE USED FOR YOUR SAPPER CALLS. The first call you make must be to the White House. Any number will do because the NSA monitors them all. DO NOT USE YOUR HOT WORDS ON THIS CALL. Then call someone on the Assange List and use your Hot Words. When the call ends, call someone on the Assisi List. Use your Hot Words. Next, call someone on the Schweitzer List. Do not use your Hot Words.
CHRISTMAS METHOD: Ask your sweetheart, family members or friends to pool their resources and get you a satellite phone with prepaid service. Go to the Starbucks Method.
VOIP METHOD: Use a computer that can execute VOIP calls. Go to the Starbucks Method.
SNAIL METHOD: Always use your correct return address. NEVER USE YOUR HOT WORDS. First, write a letter to the President. Then write a letter to someone on your Assange List. Then write a letter to someone on your Assisi List. Then write a letter to someone on your Schweitzer List. Finally, write a letter to Santa Claus.
EMAIL METHOD: Send an email to the White House. DO NOT USE YOUR HOT WORDS. Send an email to someone on your Assange List. Use your Hot Words. Send an email to someone on your Assisi List. Use your Hot Words. Send an email to someone on your Schweitzer List. Do not use your Hot Words. Send an email to the Pope. Do not use your Hot Words.
GORE METHOD: Access the White House web site. Then do a web search for a few of your Hot Words. Access the FBI web site. Then do a web search for a few of your Hot Words. Access the CIA web site. Then do a web search for a few of your Hot Words. Access a web site from your Assange List. Then do a web search for a few of your Hot Words. Access a web site from your Assisi List. Then do a web search for a few of your Hot Words. Access the web sites of both Senators from your state.
Watch the national news for reports about obscure amendments to the Farm Bill.
Buy Michael Warren’s novel The Estrangement Of The Rain God now!